It's a heartbreak like none other, because everything might not turn out all right. In fact, everything very well might turn out the worst I could ever imagine. It is heartbreak that entails sobbing for hours before I sleep, days spent in a solemn daze, hours on the brink of tears. It entails a constant plea to God, because there is literally nothing I can do. It is my heart breaking into millions of pieces for my unbelieving friend. For the injustice she suffered in her life that pushed her to reject the Lord, to scorn Him, to deny His existence. And I plead for mercy on her behalf, because I don't know what else to do. How can I stitch together a life so broken by someone else's sin?
How great is the love The Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God, and that is what we are. The reason the world does not know us, is that it did not know Him.
-Melody
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Disgusted
Tonight is one of those nights when I get a glimpse of how revolting I really am.
Did I really get so frustrated when people were trying to give me well-meaning advice that I spoke harshly and had to leave to compose myself? Don't I do that to other people?
Did I really fall in to that sin? Don't I judge when other people do that?
I am going to be a pastor's wife. A PASTOR'S WIFE!! Do you know that used to excite me? Do you know that long before I even took an interest in the opposite gender I wanted to be a pastor's wife because I was so blown away by how God could use them to influence women in the church? Do you know I considered it an incredibly high privilege?!
My life is made up of jumping from one failure to the next right now, with God's mercy keeping me from falling.
My running thought is "How can I even be a semi-adequate wife when I look at my life of sin and realize I hardly know myself?"
My concluding thought contains something about how I could never be a role model to women in a church, much less a tool that God would want to use. All the pastor's wives I know are quiet, and proper, and kind, and don't talk a lot. And I am just an awkward, blubbering mess of clumsiness.
This is what I desire: That every thought be captive to Christ. That every word be said in love. That every action be motivated to glorify Him.
I desire it, but I want to desire it more. I want to crave it more than anything. I want to feel like I am spiritually dehydrated when I am not quenching my thirst for the Lord.
WHY don't I feel that way? How can I possibly become complacent? What crowds my mind so much that I fail to recognize the singular significance of God in my life?
I need to confess something... When I was in the Home Economics program at Bible college, I was surrounded by women who were viewed by the Christian community as prime examples of a Proverbs 31 woman. And my thought the entire semester was that I couldn't be like them. It simply wasn't going to happen. What if I feel so passionately about a bad interpretation of a passage of scripture that I get worked up about it? What if I get so excited about a truth that I find in scripture that I just can't communicate it adequately because my words get jumbled up? What if I am feeling broken, or sympathetic, or moved, and I weep? Because there was no place for that among these women. There was no place for a fiery spirit. There was no place for passion. There was only a place for the traditional, and all else was squelched.
I have always wished to be like those women. I have always thought someday I would be. But I am starting to understand that I wont. People kept telling me I would "rock the boat" in the Home Ec department, I understood why.
There is no place in the traditional conservative christian community for free-spirited, fiery personalities that want to be passionate. Nobody wants to dwell on the story of Jesus being overcome with fury and driving people from the temple with a whips. They want to dwell on the fact that a girl is wearing leggings and therefore must have an immodest heart. They want to be offended when a Christian uses "cuss" words, though much stronger words are used in the Bible and the only instruction given is not to use the Lord's name in vain. They want to leave a church when a pastor that they have idolized sins, but they fail to realize that even in its corruptness, the church of Corinth was the Lord's.
With that, my thoughts that resulted from a night lacking sleep are over.
Melody
Did I really get so frustrated when people were trying to give me well-meaning advice that I spoke harshly and had to leave to compose myself? Don't I do that to other people?
Did I really fall in to that sin? Don't I judge when other people do that?
I am going to be a pastor's wife. A PASTOR'S WIFE!! Do you know that used to excite me? Do you know that long before I even took an interest in the opposite gender I wanted to be a pastor's wife because I was so blown away by how God could use them to influence women in the church? Do you know I considered it an incredibly high privilege?!
My life is made up of jumping from one failure to the next right now, with God's mercy keeping me from falling.
My running thought is "How can I even be a semi-adequate wife when I look at my life of sin and realize I hardly know myself?"
My concluding thought contains something about how I could never be a role model to women in a church, much less a tool that God would want to use. All the pastor's wives I know are quiet, and proper, and kind, and don't talk a lot. And I am just an awkward, blubbering mess of clumsiness.
This is what I desire: That every thought be captive to Christ. That every word be said in love. That every action be motivated to glorify Him.
I desire it, but I want to desire it more. I want to crave it more than anything. I want to feel like I am spiritually dehydrated when I am not quenching my thirst for the Lord.
WHY don't I feel that way? How can I possibly become complacent? What crowds my mind so much that I fail to recognize the singular significance of God in my life?
I need to confess something... When I was in the Home Economics program at Bible college, I was surrounded by women who were viewed by the Christian community as prime examples of a Proverbs 31 woman. And my thought the entire semester was that I couldn't be like them. It simply wasn't going to happen. What if I feel so passionately about a bad interpretation of a passage of scripture that I get worked up about it? What if I get so excited about a truth that I find in scripture that I just can't communicate it adequately because my words get jumbled up? What if I am feeling broken, or sympathetic, or moved, and I weep? Because there was no place for that among these women. There was no place for a fiery spirit. There was no place for passion. There was only a place for the traditional, and all else was squelched.
I have always wished to be like those women. I have always thought someday I would be. But I am starting to understand that I wont. People kept telling me I would "rock the boat" in the Home Ec department, I understood why.
There is no place in the traditional conservative christian community for free-spirited, fiery personalities that want to be passionate. Nobody wants to dwell on the story of Jesus being overcome with fury and driving people from the temple with a whips. They want to dwell on the fact that a girl is wearing leggings and therefore must have an immodest heart. They want to be offended when a Christian uses "cuss" words, though much stronger words are used in the Bible and the only instruction given is not to use the Lord's name in vain. They want to leave a church when a pastor that they have idolized sins, but they fail to realize that even in its corruptness, the church of Corinth was the Lord's.
With that, my thoughts that resulted from a night lacking sleep are over.
Melody
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Growth Spurt
I feel like I am in a growth spurt. Not physically, but in maturity and generally in life. Last year at this time, I was twitterpainted by a guy who seemed to be everything I had ever looked for in a significant other. I knew where I was going to go to school for the next two years. I knew where I wanted to live. I had ideas for what I wanted to do long-term. But God had different ideas. This guy I was interested in ended up not being the one for me. To my understanding we semi-mutually broke up, but a few months of crying and heart-break followed. Through that I realized I needed certain attributes and character traits in a spouse that I had never considered. My dream school turned into a nightmare and my constant struggle was controlling my emotions as I felt battered emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I couldn't keep up with anything and I lacked a strong friend group. And at the end of possibly the most draining and difficult period of my life, I met the man I am now engaged to.
We both knew within the first month that we wanted to be married eventually, though he was much more sure of it than I was initially. I would venture to say he knew within the first week that he wanted to make me his wife. The past 5 months have been unique to say the least.
You mature in a different way when your best friend (soon to be other half) is by your side giving input on the matters of your life. You find reactions that are stifled when talking to anyone else suddenly emerge. In a lot of ways you find out how terrible of a person you are. But you also become extra motivated to become more Christ-like.
I changed in the process of moving to a different state by myself, making huge school-related decisions, mostly supporting myself, and getting in a serious relationship. I believe if I met the person I was last year I wouldn't know her. I would probably be embarrassed for her. And as I prepare to go home, find myself wondering if past foolishness or immaturity will loom over me. For a few friendships I wish I could just have a blank slate and start over.
But I take great comfort in God's grace that is extended to me. And on a less spiritual level, I take great comfort in knowing I don't have to do life on this earth alone. The future is much less intimidating when you're with your soul mate.
~Melody
We both knew within the first month that we wanted to be married eventually, though he was much more sure of it than I was initially. I would venture to say he knew within the first week that he wanted to make me his wife. The past 5 months have been unique to say the least.
You mature in a different way when your best friend (soon to be other half) is by your side giving input on the matters of your life. You find reactions that are stifled when talking to anyone else suddenly emerge. In a lot of ways you find out how terrible of a person you are. But you also become extra motivated to become more Christ-like.
I changed in the process of moving to a different state by myself, making huge school-related decisions, mostly supporting myself, and getting in a serious relationship. I believe if I met the person I was last year I wouldn't know her. I would probably be embarrassed for her. And as I prepare to go home, find myself wondering if past foolishness or immaturity will loom over me. For a few friendships I wish I could just have a blank slate and start over.
But I take great comfort in God's grace that is extended to me. And on a less spiritual level, I take great comfort in knowing I don't have to do life on this earth alone. The future is much less intimidating when you're with your soul mate.
~Melody
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Easter
It is Easter Sunday. As I listened to the sermon in church this morning, my mind wandered to all of my friends who are slipping in their faith... they tried for so long to swim on their own that they gave in and are letting themselves drown, rather than grabbing the life preserver that God has extended to them.
What was running through their minds today?
Phrases in the sermon caught my attention such as "held to a standard of perfection," "seen as perfect because of Christ," and "God is not fair. Fairness would result in our destruction. He is just. He is merciful. He is gracious. He is loving."
What do words like these mean to them? What do they think Easter is even celebrating? Do they push it from their minds so they don't have to think about it an own up to it? Do they lie to themselves and concoct a way of convincing themselves it is a fraud?
How I long to see the scales fall from their eyes... to see their clouded vision cleared. I feel guilty not having a cheerful spirit on the day that the human race was given an escape from eternal death, but my heart aches for the ones I love who can't appreciate these words or be overwhelmed with thankfulness that they are true and they apply to them.
~Melody
What was running through their minds today?
Phrases in the sermon caught my attention such as "held to a standard of perfection," "seen as perfect because of Christ," and "God is not fair. Fairness would result in our destruction. He is just. He is merciful. He is gracious. He is loving."
What do words like these mean to them? What do they think Easter is even celebrating? Do they push it from their minds so they don't have to think about it an own up to it? Do they lie to themselves and concoct a way of convincing themselves it is a fraud?
How I long to see the scales fall from their eyes... to see their clouded vision cleared. I feel guilty not having a cheerful spirit on the day that the human race was given an escape from eternal death, but my heart aches for the ones I love who can't appreciate these words or be overwhelmed with thankfulness that they are true and they apply to them.
~Melody
Saturday, March 14, 2015
A series of random thoughts
I tend to open my mouth before considering what the repercussions for what I am about to say. Too many times I say something or react to something with no intention of it being offensive, but entirely am. People who have known me for a long time either know that I didn't intend it offensively, or are blunt enough to be like "That is totally inconsiderate" and then I can explain it. But people who haven't picked up on my awkwarness in relaying thoughts and dont know my intentions either don't say anything but I can tell from their body language that my reputation just belly flopped, or they will try to subtly (which is never actually subtle) combat it.
It is so hard to differentiate between God's leading and one's own desires. It is also hard to distinguish between God's leading and obstacles you need to push through.
I was struck by this thought in the Gospel Primer.... The term "power of God" is reserved for salvation. In a more root term, the gospel. We perceive epic things in nature as exhibiting God's power, which they do, but even greater than that is the work God is doing in ME. More so... How awesome a God I serve who extended his powerful grace to me through the gospel.
I am not extremely talented at anything to cause people to gawk at me... None of the common things like sports, music, or art. But I was reminded by a friend that God makes every person exactly how He wants them for his purposes with his choice of talents. I think that God has given me gifts, as He gives everyone. If I consider it long enough, I supposeI have known for a long time what I am inclined towards and what areas of life I excel in... I have just always hoped I would develop some more noticeable worldly talent. I realized tonight why that is foolish: Paul had more of a right to boast than any in the Corinthian church and still chose to boast in Christ. But boasting in himself could have so easily been a temptation. I have to wonder if God knows how inclined my heart is towards pride and for that reason gave me very little to boast in by the world's standards so that I wouldn't have to overcome (or succumb) to that temptation.
The warm evenings here are making me extremely nostalgic and homesick. I long for evening spent with friends conversing while dangling our toes in a lake, laying in the grass, or sitting around a bonfire that is just getting going as the sun sets. More than anything I miss my family back home and my brothers and sisters in Christ who have been with me through thick and thin.
~Melody
It is so hard to differentiate between God's leading and one's own desires. It is also hard to distinguish between God's leading and obstacles you need to push through.
I was struck by this thought in the Gospel Primer.... The term "power of God" is reserved for salvation. In a more root term, the gospel. We perceive epic things in nature as exhibiting God's power, which they do, but even greater than that is the work God is doing in ME. More so... How awesome a God I serve who extended his powerful grace to me through the gospel.
I am not extremely talented at anything to cause people to gawk at me... None of the common things like sports, music, or art. But I was reminded by a friend that God makes every person exactly how He wants them for his purposes with his choice of talents. I think that God has given me gifts, as He gives everyone. If I consider it long enough, I supposeI have known for a long time what I am inclined towards and what areas of life I excel in... I have just always hoped I would develop some more noticeable worldly talent. I realized tonight why that is foolish: Paul had more of a right to boast than any in the Corinthian church and still chose to boast in Christ. But boasting in himself could have so easily been a temptation. I have to wonder if God knows how inclined my heart is towards pride and for that reason gave me very little to boast in by the world's standards so that I wouldn't have to overcome (or succumb) to that temptation.
The warm evenings here are making me extremely nostalgic and homesick. I long for evening spent with friends conversing while dangling our toes in a lake, laying in the grass, or sitting around a bonfire that is just getting going as the sun sets. More than anything I miss my family back home and my brothers and sisters in Christ who have been with me through thick and thin.
~Melody
Monday, February 2, 2015
The formula to find Mr. Right
A few weeks ago I asked a close, married, friend of mine how important physical attraction was for a relationship. At that point I hadn't even met the quirky guy I now call my boyfriend. Her response was kind of funny... She said something along the lines of "Well I guess sometimes I see guys who are handsome, and most people would probably say they are better looking than my husband, but it doesn't really occur to me or seem to matter. There is no one else I'd want to be with."
I used to think there was a certain formula for what was needed to find the right guy. I had to be a certain percentage attracted to his personality, his looks, and his faith. With his godliness overarching it all. I laugh at that now because I can't think of a single formula to fit my relationship with my tea-loving barista. Yes I find him more attractive than any guy I know... some girls would disagree with me. His quirky personality is fantastic but occasionally drives me crazy... I don't think I would want it any other way though. His godly attitude amazes me. We share of a disdain for sports and love of adventuring outdoors. We both value honesty and are open, real, and blunt (actually that's usually just me) despite uncomfortableness or awkwardness (which we both seem immune to). I like coffee, he doesn't. He likes rock climbing, I'd fall to my death. I love ballroom dancing, he rave dances in the youth group sound booth with his roommates. He is incredibly smart and talented at practically everything, I can... um..... make food. But he is my best friend. He hasn't replaced my very dear girl friends back home, but he has made his own place in my heart.
And he loves me. I know that because he is patient with me when I'm fickle. I know that because he is kind to me when I am grumpy. I know because he is respectful towards me and never rude. I know because he often does what I'd prefer to do rather than what he would prefer. I know because he never gets angry and never remembers stupid things I have said or done. Mostly I know this because he strives to honor God with our relationship and draws me nearer to Christ. He tells me what I need to hear not what I want to hear when it comes to areas of my life I should work on. And yet, he never asks me to be anything but myself.
In the end we are both human. We are both going to make mistakes. But we know that, and expect that, and love has a way of covering over mistakes.
I don't know what kind of formula for Mr. Right that is.... But it is perfect for me.
-Melody
I used to think there was a certain formula for what was needed to find the right guy. I had to be a certain percentage attracted to his personality, his looks, and his faith. With his godliness overarching it all. I laugh at that now because I can't think of a single formula to fit my relationship with my tea-loving barista. Yes I find him more attractive than any guy I know... some girls would disagree with me. His quirky personality is fantastic but occasionally drives me crazy... I don't think I would want it any other way though. His godly attitude amazes me. We share of a disdain for sports and love of adventuring outdoors. We both value honesty and are open, real, and blunt (actually that's usually just me) despite uncomfortableness or awkwardness (which we both seem immune to). I like coffee, he doesn't. He likes rock climbing, I'd fall to my death. I love ballroom dancing, he rave dances in the youth group sound booth with his roommates. He is incredibly smart and talented at practically everything, I can... um..... make food. But he is my best friend. He hasn't replaced my very dear girl friends back home, but he has made his own place in my heart.
And he loves me. I know that because he is patient with me when I'm fickle. I know that because he is kind to me when I am grumpy. I know because he is respectful towards me and never rude. I know because he often does what I'd prefer to do rather than what he would prefer. I know because he never gets angry and never remembers stupid things I have said or done. Mostly I know this because he strives to honor God with our relationship and draws me nearer to Christ. He tells me what I need to hear not what I want to hear when it comes to areas of my life I should work on. And yet, he never asks me to be anything but myself.
In the end we are both human. We are both going to make mistakes. But we know that, and expect that, and love has a way of covering over mistakes.
I don't know what kind of formula for Mr. Right that is.... But it is perfect for me.
-Melody
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Running
A quick side note: For the past week I have felt the need to run. Something about running just helps my mind work through everything. When I start off, I feel free and invincible. I sprint because I'm so glad to be running. I soon slow to my normal steady pace, and before long my lungs start to burn and I consciously control my breathing. This is also the point at which my mind is dwelling on what has been plaguing me and I start praying silently because suddenly that is the obvious solution. As a lot of my runs end, eventually I am reminded that I ate something I was allergic to that day and I have to slow to a walk or sit down because the stomach cramps are so bad. I return to the house feeling dejected and weak, and able to do nothing more than lift my concerns and weaknesses before God. But I don't know... somewhere in all of that something got accomplished.
~Melody
~Melody
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