There was a saying I heard once that went something like "If the world was ruled by women, we wouldn't have any wars, just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other." I had to laugh, but I think about it, and among women, jealousy is probably the main sin that tears us apart. I think fondly of my group of girl friends who are all sisters in Christ, and who rarely have any squabbles. Yet I remember when I first was introduced to the group I felt extremely intimidated. Every single one of these girls seemed to have not only their appearance together, but their lives and their faith. Now I know these girls intimately, and I know their lives are far from perfect. I know they have days when they struggle in their faith just like me. I know they have fears and worries about acceptance just like I do, and what it funny is every single one of us is more insecure than we make ourselves appear to be.
This group of friends builds each other up like none other. I've hardly heard any gossip in this group. What I do hear are words of praise and affirmation. We tell each other what we like about each other's personalities and physical appearance. We look out for each other, and we're honest if there is an issue that needs to be addressed. I honestly could go on for hours about just how beautiful each of these ladies are inside and out.
A long time ago I shared a part of the reason I struggle with feelings of inadequacy in this post. In all honestly, I have days where I let feelings of inadequacy eat away at me. I think to myself that there are always going to be peers who are prettier than me, who are kinder than me, who are more obedient to God than me, who are more genuine than me, who are better with kids than me, who have more of a servants heart than me, who are smarter than me, who dress better than me, who have a better personality than me, who are better at singing, dancing, piano, horse-back riding, and skiing than me... Oh the list goes on.... It's terrible really. I don't have self-esteem issues, I just have a terrible habit of comparing myself and seeking after human approval rather than God's. This leads to nothing but dissatisfaction.
There have been times that someone has told me they were jealous of me, and I have to laugh. I see no reason why they would be. To me, all I can see are my failures. The times I let my mind sin, the judgement I have passed on people only to be ashamed right after, the unkind words that escape my lips on a daily basis, my failures in school, my freckle and acne-plagued skin along with my frizzy hair, my lack of "womanly curves" that all my female friends have, my inability to keep up on working out, my loudness, my failure to filter my speech when I should.... oh my goodness, I am a mess.
But God loves that mess. He loves me despite my downfalls, my insecurities, the ugly parts of me, and my sinful habits. Sometimes the hardest thing about being surrounded by Christians is simply the pressure to appear perfect, and to seek their approval rather than God's. I have a one friend in particular who truly knows how messed up and far from perfect I am, and yet she loves me with a Christ-like love. If our identity isn't in Christ, we are nothing. I really should stop trying to find my identity in the things I do, and rather find it in what I am: a servant to the Most High God who loves me more than anyone else will, not because of anything I have ever done; and whose purpose in life is to bring glory to God and radiate Christ. I am inadequate. So INCREDIBLY inadequate. I fall pathetically short of the bar that was set. And that is why my identity needs to be in God alone, who is the only reason I am not quite as messed up as I feel. Because He sees me as his daughter.
~Melody
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