So... I'm going to talk about the worst time in my life. I want to say first that I have moved past this. I have the best relationship with my parents that a girl could ask for. They're pretty much the coolest parents ever and I love them more than words can express.
So I have this problem... I try to please everyone. Especially people I am close to. My involuntary thought process has always been that if I displeased someone or they're not happy with me, I did something wrong. Because I was supposed to please them and I failed. Bad Melody. Fix it, now.
When I started college, I would have mental breakdowns if I didn't get A's. I'm not joking. If I got a B+ I would likely end up crying and beating myself up about it for days. I didn't care if it was my best. If that was my best, then my best needed to get better. I would make myself study harder even when I was studying through tears because I was deprived of sleep and weak from lack of food (I didn't eat because I felt sick to my stomach all the time) and usually sick with some virus.
As college went on, my friends really helped reassure me that my best in school was good enough, and it was ok if I didn't get a 4.0 in every class. Because of them I am definitely better than I used to be, but I still have this mindset to an extent.
In school, I am better mentally. (And physically.) But in other areas of my life I am still consumed with this inadvertent need to please. I feel incredibly guilty and terrible when I displease people I love. I feel even worse if I hurt their feelings. The times that I have said hurtful things to people I care about, I have usually ended up hurting myself more than them because I cry and despair for weeks over what a terrible person I am. And eventually I am more mad at the person for making me mad enough to say something I regretted than I am for the original reason I was mad at them.
I also have a really hard time saying no to volunteering or serving. And so I get stretched too thin.
So, what's all this got to do with the past and a really dark time of my life? Well That time of my life was when I was about 10-12. I was extremely depressed. I know you're thinking a 10-year-old couldn't seriously be depressed, but I was.
At this time, my older sister was very ill. Everyday there was a likely possibility that she could die. I thanked God for every day she was still alive, while asking Him not to take her. My poor mom was doing 24-hour care for her while trying to homeschool me. I was the only one at home with her all day every day. All the stress and exhaustion would build up and I was the only one home that she could take it out on. I really don't blame my mom for this. I have no clue how she was able to do all that she did except by God's help.
But I felt like if I made my mom happy, I might get positive feedback from her every once in a while. So I tried to please her. But it seemed like every time I was in her sight she was telling me I needed to do homework, or pick up something of mine, or do a chore. And usually she forgot to tell me "good job" if it was done. Not only was she snapping at me a lot but I never knew if I'd done something right. I worked hard on my school work, but often had trouble with it, and my mom couldn't seem to understand what was so difficult about it. I just couldn't please her. I would try so hard, but the best I could get was her not yelling at me. I felt so unloved. And she would tell me she loved me, and I just couldn't believe her. I knew that she meant to love me, because I was her daughter, but those words had absolutely no meaning behind them. Not a day would go by that I didn't ball my eyes out on my bed because I felt so unloved, so lonely, so inadequate. And not only that, I was so sad, and so scared that I would wake up and my sister would be dead. I had nightmares about her dying because of me or something I did. I would wake up in the middle of the night to ambulances sirens in my driveway. When I did see her, afterwards I would cry because she had wasted away to a skeleton that was too weak to move and writhed and moaned in pain.
I stopped trusting my mom at all because I was so hurt by her. So I tried to only cry in my room. I remember once my mom said something along the tines of "Do you even realize that your sister could die?!" I said yes, then went to my room and cried and cried because that was all I thought about all the time.
Now do you understand what could drive an 10-year-old to be depressed? I was an emotional wreck.
A couple days ago I had to attend a class on Child Abuse Prevention for my job. It listed that one of the symptoms of mental abuse is an obsessive need to please everyone. I had a light bulb moment. Everything made sense.
So now I know. Hopefully this will continue to get better. I know it gradually already has.
~ Melody
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