I promise I am still alive. I thought about posting a lot over the past 2 months, but I wasn't entirely sure how. I am living outside of the bubble of what I know right now... So many things are foreign to me. So I think I will just ramble for a while...
Two months ago in my foolish finite desires, I wanted more than anything to move back to my beloved northwest and forget the last 5 months of stress, homesickness, and critical professors had ever existed. I had an idea of a plan to come back for one semester, live off campus, and just audit bible classes and work. If I am being entirely honest, I was hoping I wouldn't find a place to live off-campus so that I would have to return home and throw this plan out the window. But through a church family that has practically adopted me, God provided a place to live that wanted practically no compensation. At this point I was so done with trying to plan my own life, since every plan I had ever had of missions and college had fallen through within the last couple months. I figured if God wanted me down in California for 4-5 more months, who was I to argue?
So around this time, this guy came into the picture. My co-worker. Though I denied it at the time, I must admit I did like him a lot. I told everyone who asked that I had no interest past friendship, though in my mind I knew I was smitten. But I really had no interest in being in a relationship with him. After a few unsuccessful incidents of following up crushes in my past, I really loved my independence and lack of drama. I especially didn't want to be tied down to someone in California, a place where I had felt trapped for the past few months. So I resolved to push aside any feelings I had for him and simply try to become good friends with this guy. His faith was so evident from the first time I worked with him, and I like to invest in friendships with people like that. My resolve to just be friends with this guy soon became rooted in the assumption that he would never be seriously interested in me and that he probably had someone he was interested in anyways, or at least oodles of christian girls with their eyes on him... He is a worship leader after all.
Apparently he was very obvious about the fact that he liked me... I didn't catch on. After a little while I asked my roommate what she thought of it all, and she said she thought that he was a little bit interested but not seriously. I told her honestly "If he asked me out I would say yes," which was more significant for me to admit to out loud than for her to hear. I still strongly assumed nothing would come of all this.
It is terribly heartbreaking when the best thing a man ever did for his family was remove himself from their lives. I do not say that lightly or without consideration. In fact I don't think I could ever bring myself to say that suicide is anything less than an awful reality of this depraved, sin-saturated world... But it came as a long-awaited end to oppression and abuse from a father to this co-worker whom had made an impression on me. I didn't know this yet, all I knew was that he had lost his father on thanksgiving, and my heart went out to him. Through a few texts I was once again blown away by this guy's amazing faith in God. His attitude through the situation was like nothing I had ever seen.
A week later we talked for 45 minutes after work. This was the first time we had really been able to just talk, and if we had the time, I am convinced we would have talked all night. But it was cut short by his ride arriving, and we parted with a "let's hang out some time." That night he texted me and I decided to use my one skip for class to go hiking with him. Again, at this point I was thinking he was only interested in friendship and I wanted to be able to support him in any way I could.
I think you can see where all this is going... We started hanging out a lot. Like.... multiple times every day... And shortly after he made it clear that he had intentions to pursue me if the interest was mutual. And he has been my boyfriend for a little over a month now.
To sum up this past month and a half would mostly be to say it has been a time of growth and change. There have been a lot of fun adventures tied in there, but more than anything I have started to come to terms with things I have always just pushed out of my mind because I never had to seriously consider them. I never thought I could feel so emotionally tied to someone that personal independence wouldn't even occur to me anymore. The realization that I no longer valued my independence as a single person hit me pretty hard and freaked me out quite a lot for a while. It still does a bit, but I'm adjusting. I have occasional days when this whole thing and the prospect of long-term scares me enough that I am ready to proclaim that I have the spiritual gift of celibacy and retreat to what I am familiar with... but I really am convinced this is God's will, if not for the long run, for the time being. And this guy... He has shown me patience, kindness, and goodness to no end despite me voicing all my fears, failures, and frustrations. I never imagined anyone outside of my family would ever care for me quite this much, and I never considered anyone would be this inclined towards me.
~Melody
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