Heavy thoughts

"Jesus I pray, take all my mistakes. Throw them away, destroy them for my sake. Jesus I call out 'cause I'm sorry. Because I fall so short of your glory.

Jesus I plead please purify me. Make my heart glean, drench me with your mercy. Jesus I pray... I love you I need you. For the rest of my days I swear I will seek you."

   I rediscovered this song the other day and it filled me with such nostalgia and peace. It is a wonderful reminder that  when I feel like I am inadequate and a failure, Christ will always cleanse me of my past sins and remove them from me. This is something I will never tire of hearing.

   Being back in Chelan has been interesting. On the one hand, I am once again captivated by the extra dose of beauty God seems to have bequeathed Chelan with. But on the other hand, I am struck over and over again by the reality that I am not a child anymore and the concerns that saturate my mind for my dear friends over here are very legitimate. Gone are the carefree days of hot chocolate, snowball fights, and Disney movies. Don't get me wrong, we still do all that... but long talks over tea or coffee center around managing finances, finding a job, and avoiding debt in college. Snowball fights have turned to walks in the snow spent discussing family dissonance and peers we care about who are not following the Lord or not doing anything with their lives. Movies have become more rare to watch since we have less spare time, and are often half ignored while any romance in them triggers thoughts of hurtful breakups. What happened here?

   These heavy conversations and concerns cause my mind to veer from desiring independence and adventure, to simply wanting security and consistency. This world makes me weep. It sickens me and it saddens me to my inmost being. Not because there is hunger, illness, and pain in the world... But because there is malice and selfishness and wickedness. The worst is when I see it in myself and am struck by what a deplorable being I am and how great my Lord is to forgive me again and again.

   Paul said we shine like stars in the universe. A light needs dark to shine in... So my resolve is to take advantage of the dense darkness of this world that threatens to engulf me, and use it to contrast the love of Christ that I pray is reflected in me. Following Christ is not a lighthearted matter. It is more joyful than anything in this world, but it is also of the utmost seriousness. Also ignorance is not the way to approach the world. It is okay to let your heart break for them. Jesus' did. We live as foreigners here. I pray that I will always remember that.

My heart isn't breaking for the poor, the sick or the hungry, it breaks for the sinful.

~Melody