Perspective. The big picture.

   Home is all I can think about, it really is. I am so homesick. I practice self-control on a daily basis by not letting myself melt into a puddle of tears, and trying not to talk about it with people who have heard me speak of it far too much. But tonight something far more important occupies my thoughts. A tragedy occurred yesterday to a friend and co-worker who is one of the most exuberant cheerful guys I know, as well as a brother in Christ. I found my heart aching for him during my shift. And being ashamed of how selfish and petty my thoughts have been. I really wish I knew him better at this time because more than anything I desire to be of some comfort to him. I can't even imagine having to process this.
   Another thought I had was that I wish I could long for heaven like I long for my home state now. With the mindset that I am not going to live here for a significant amount of time and keeping up my relationships back home because I know I am returning shortly. If only I could always live in view of eternity.
   It's funny... Everyone insisted I would love bible college. Truth be told, it has been one of the hardest experiences in my life. Never before have I worked so hard only to feel like such a failure. I have learned to show grace to teachers who don't show it to me, as well as to not expect teachers to hold themselves to the same standards they expect from me. I have learned that my best is not going to be good enough for some people, and I am starting (just starting) to grasp that that is okay. I am beginning to accept that it is impossible to please everyone, and that everyone has a different idea of what I should do with my life, but it doesn't actually matter. I am starting to understand that it is okay to not be able to handle something when you feel like you should be able to. Do I love Bible college? No. Am I glad I came? I think so. I am not entirely sure yet. I am positive I don't want to go through all of this again though. Something I have learned, is that for someone who is already grounded in their faith, bible college is one of the harder places to grow in Christ. I know that sounds weird, but you're in a Christian bubble. Your life becomes so saturated in Bible verses, christianese, and "serving" opportunities, that you forget any of it is significant. You stop seeing the contrast of Christ and the world, and this results in becoming passive in your faith. Never before have I learned so well how to talk the talk without walking the walk. I LOVE the knowledge of the Bible that I have acquired here, but I hate how far I have slid backwards in having a personal relationship with God.
   I miss my brothers and sisters in Christ back home more than almost anything. I would give anything to be home now... Or even a day sooner.

~Melody