One of my biggest struggles being here is that I don't have friends who have grown up with me. And in regard to my friends who are here... I think I confuse them and annoy them. They don't understand why I'm randomly melancholy, or why I cry and the only explanation I can give is that I am in a new place trying to start a new life. Or that I go from hyper to zero energy because sometimes I hit a wall and just can't convince myself to be energetic anymore. They don't understand why something like a downpour can bring immense peace and joy to my soul.
I am sad because no matter how hard I try to be consistently outgoing and cheerful, I fail miserably because I simply don't have the energy to. It's almost funny that people back home used to call me bubbly... Because that is so far from what I am today. Sometimes when my biggest temptation is to be a complete grouch because I am so stressed and sleep-deprived, my solution is to just remain silent. I hate all this. I feel like I am being a terrible example of Christ and am not bringing glory to Him in this place. And I am trying so hard...
I guess tonight I am just realizing how much I fail people and let them down. Also how much I fail God. I am not the kind of friend that the people around me deserve, I can't seem to do well enough in school, and through my major I am constantly remind of every way I fall short of being the woman God desires me to be. I feel like I am watching myself become this grumpy inconsistent person that I despise and there is nothing I can do about it.
~Melody
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