Just obey Me

   This past school year I struggled immensely with feelings of inadequacy. And not the good I'm-inadequate-so-I-need-to-rely-on-God kind of inadequacy. No this came from repeatedly trying to deal with situations the correct, godly way and them never turning out right and people I never wanted to get hurt, getting crushed. I felt awful every time. I remember laying in my bed one night with my sister next to me, pouring my heart out to her in between my sobs and telling her "I can't do anything right!" "I'm not good enough!" "I feel so inadequate, so worthless, so juvenile." And she stroked my hair and said "Oh honey, you're not inadequate. Not at all."
   During the summer some of the school drama subsided and those feelings were left behind me for the most part, lurking in the dark closets in the back of my mind. But a couple weeks ago a difficult situation arose, and I immediately panicked. I prayed so fervently for God to use me and guide my tongue. I read and reread every sentence I typed before sending it. I knew it wouldn't come out perfect, but I hoped that if I tried hard enough... if I begged God hard enough to guide my words... that maybe I might do more good then harm this time. All those times of failure during the school year came flooding back. Those dreadful feeling came back, and I found myself weeping.
   After a couple days of dealing with this situation, I felt I had done all I could and I subsided to just praying constantly about it. But it really bothered me that my words had not done the good I had hoped, and prayed they would. At least I couldn't see it. I was incredibly frustrated. I cried out to God, asking Him why, when I had tried so hard to obey Him and seek His will, had it ended up this way. And I felt him telling me that I can only control my actions. He just wants me to obey him and follow His guidance. If other people don't react in the desired way, that's ok. I can rest assured that I obeyed God. And this tremendous peace washed over me. I felt like such a burden was lifted.
   A couple days after this, a friend of mine told me I handled the situation wrong. I felt those feelings of inadequacy I had felt all school year creep back. That peace I had vanished. But instead of saying "Ok I will try to handle it differently" I thought about it. And I realized, I really wouldn't. I would try my hardest to respond in the right way. And that was what I did this time. So I replied that actually I was at peace with how I responded because I was sure I obeyed God's leading. If it had ended there it would have been great. But unfortunately, it didn't. I don't believe this friend of mine meant to cause so much damage, but as they continued to try to convince me that I had not obeyed God's leading, I felt myself breaking. I was close to tears of anger and frustration as I explained to a close friend who was with me (and was familiar with the situation) what was going on. She quickly reassured me that if God had told me I was ok, I couldn't let someone tell me otherwise.
   I'm still trying to get over the doubt that was placed in my mind from that conversation, and the hurt I felt from it. And I'm really sad that I ended up getting upset and probably hurting my friend from trying to get my point across. I do believe they had good intentions, but that's about it.
   Here is a bit of advice for anyone reading this: Leave what is between someone else and God, between them and God.
   I'm not saying I will ever deal with a situation perfectly, or say things perfectly, or ever be a perfect example of Christ. But if I do the best I can, God is pleased with me. And that is one truth I can rest in and be satisfied in.

~Melody