Start again

   Sometimes the most comforting thing to me is the fact that God doesn't hold past mistakes against me. I remember when I was switching home school co-ops I was so excited. What was I excited for? I was excited to be able to make a fresh impression on people. I felt like all the people at my old co-op had known me too long. They only knew me as who I used to be, not who I had become. I still know people who treat me weirdly because they only know me as the child I once was. And I was not the nicest friend to have... I am deeply grateful to friends I have who put up with me during my childhood.
   I have been feeling trapped by my past actions lately. I have the intense urge to leave and make new friends. Like the people who I hang out with know me too well. I've changed so much in the past year... When I look back, I realize I had no clue what I was doing in many situations. And I feel like crying out "Don't you understand how juvenile I was?! Even I can see that!" And I'm sure a year from now, I will look back and think the same thing.
   Problem is, I'm still figuring so many things out. I know when it comes to dating or anything like that, I'm about as clueless as they come. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to act, who I'm supposed to date, what kind of feelings I'm supposed to have... I feel like in some ways this should be obvious to anyone who knows me at all.... I get so awkward and fickle when I am presented with something of that nature.
   And I have made mistakes. So so many mistakes. And I think the biggest one was being open and transparent to people I shouldn't have let see that much of my heart.

~Melody