Life is so strange right now. Friendships are changing, new fears and worries are replacing old ones, I am realizing that the adults I always looked up to never had it as "together" as I thought they did, and I am watching my thought process and priorities shift and wondering if that is a good or bad thing. Some days I feel like I have it all together, and other days I am at God's mercy begging Him to not let me fall apart. (Well actually, I am constantly at God's mercy, just some days I realize it more than others.)
In all honestly, I am pretty sure that I am happier right now than I ever have been. It's a type of happiness I'm not sure I have really experienced before now. With high school done I feel as if my entire being is heaving a huge sigh of relief. Also, truly having someone "special" (I know I am totally being homeschooly here) for the first time in my life; someone whom I could really see a future with, brings a flood of thoughts and emotions that I'm really not sure what to do with.
I am wondering if there is any legitimacy in the idea that we (or more "I") should look for direction from God, rather than ask Him for direction. Because so many times I have thought God was leading me in a specific direction, and He wasn't. It was just my mind doing what it wanted to do. I tend to assume that I know what God wants for my life, (which is incredibly foolish of me) and so act upon it, only to find out I was wrong. So maybe if I just look at what God has brought into my life and the opportunities He presents, I'll be better at following His leading. (This opposed to praying and waiting for God to "lay something on my heart".) I am not saying we shouldn't pray for direction, I'm just saying maybe I specifically should rely a little bit more on tangible indications rather than the mental indications which can be misinterpreted by my willful mind.
The reason I titled this post the way I did, is because I feel like the world is telling me this all the time no matter what I do. I guess I still have the obsession with pleasing people and take what they say to heart too often. But as much as I wish I could simply rely on God for all of my direction and assurance, I find that impossible to do since I never seem to have crystal clear direction. Don't get me wrong, I am still seeking after God and his will for my life, I guess I'm just rambling for the sake of clearing my mind and making sense of my thoughts.
~Melody
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