I have to admit, I feel so incredibly foolish writing this. It seems like such a petty matter. But it weighs on me, and ruins my days, and makes me feel so immensely ashamed, and weak, and stupid for feeling as I do. Lately the devil has been attacking me with jealousy. This is something I struggled with in the past, but I thought I had conquered it, or more... God had conquered it for me. But it seems round 2 has come, and those feelings that I detest so much are back to torment me.
Jealousy is embodied in whispered lies that drift around my mind. Telling me someone else it better than me in this way or that, and therefore people will prefer them over me. That I pale in comparison to them. That ultimately they are a better human being, a better Christian, than me. And then those feelings of envy come up and tell me I want to be them, because obviously, they are perfect. And in my mind I compare myself to this person, and the more I do this, the lower, and punier I feel. Through this I convince myself that I am unwanted, untalented, stupid, weak, ugly, and a terrible Christian. (The only good thing that comes about from jealousy is getting a grasp on just how undeserving I am.) But I begin to hate that person because they seem to be everything I am not. And then I hate myself for hating that person because in reality I love that person as a brother or sister in Christ. And then I feel so guilty, so dirty, and so wretched for feeling jealous at all that I resort to hating myself and so I become fully convinced I really am all those things I listed before.
It is a cycle that I loathe so much, and want so badly to be rid of.
~Melody
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