Let it go

   I have a really hard time letting go of things I treasure. Especially people. I have trouble letting go of life stages and accepting that I have moved past certain ones. Right now I can just hear God's words ring in my mind: "Just let it go, Melody. Just let it go."
   This past week I saw God mend something between a friend and I that I thought would never be mended. But in the days following I felt the feelings of hurt, distrust, and uncertainty from what had passed between us creep back into my mind. I found myself dreading the replacement I knew would happen or had happened.
  It's strange how friends give you assurance and confidence. I never feel ashamed of my quirks when I'm with them, I rarely feel self-conscious, and in general I'm just comfortable. Tonight as I was out with a friend I found myself wondering how I looked, thinking I should have worn make up, and when I got really excited over something, checking myself and chiding myself to act normal.
   Part of me aches with frustration over this. I finally got to a point where I didn't think about that stuff and now it's creeping back. I find myself holding back things from friends because I'm ashamed and I don't feel like taking a risk of trusting them. It wasn't a risk before... but now I see it as one.
   This is not who I want to be. This isn't how I want to think or act. I am seeking direction but all I get is mixed signals. Half of me wants to ignore what has happened and try to trust like I did before but my cautious side wont let me. It floods my mind with hurt and shows me how stupid I would be to not have learned my lesson. And so I fight back and forth, and honestly I don't know which one is right.
   God is changing me. Part of me is excited to see who he brings into my life and how He molds me. But a larger part of me is absolutely devastated at the thought of so many things in my life that I hold dear to my heart changing.
   In a sense I feel abandoned in a way no one could comfort me from. I know I'm not, but I feel left in the dark with the only items of comfort I have being taken from me one by one, then put on a high shelf where I can watch the but not have them. I feel like someone who is told to walk in a certain direction then is spun around and put in a dark room and gets injured when ever she takes a wrong step. Eventually she is so battered she collapses. And sits there staring off into the dark wondering what she did wrong.
   Every downfall just shows me more clearly how inadequate and in need of my Savior I am, and how awful life would be without Him. Even though I am thoroughly confused by Him right now, I am confidant that He will deliver me from this time of uncertainty and that what He has in store for me will ultimately be better than anything I imagined.

~Melody